How to stop yelling at your teen.
Your teen is arguing with you, they won’t talk to you, they leave mess around the house, they’re rude, they push their sibling’s buttons, they aren’t organised for school…are all triggers for “straw that breaks the camel’s back” moments in parenting teens.
You find yourself frustrated, nagging and then yelling and screaming. You never expected to yell so much and thought it would be easier to strike the right balance between doing things to help your teen and having them take responsibility for themselves.
When I asked parents about what questions they wanted answers to this is one of the things that continually came up…
…I want to yell less at my kids, and I worry about the effect my response has on them.
In this Parenting Thinking Space, we are going to look at one of the main causes of parent stress (hint: it’s not actually the wet towel on the floor) and how you can change it without a major sacrifice of time. Research has shown that this one thing is a better predictor of parent stress than how difficult their children are.
Parenting teens has never been harder. It’s no wonder parents feel overwhelmed and yell at their kids from time to time. This is something many have come to accept, but deep down don’t want the nagging, blow up cycles at home any more. So what are parents to do? Do we need to be stronger? Harder? Tougher? Kinder, gentler go with the flow? How do we mitigate the damage we feel we might be doing to our teens? How do we reduce the stress? Is mastering the “to do” list the answer?
I had a friend who was struggling with these very questions. For now let’s call her Sue (not her real name of course). Sue had a friend who told her she wanted to help. This friend of Sue’s however had no boundaries. Sometimes Sue would wake in the morning and find her friend right next to her in her bedroom! The friend said she was being helpful. She was trying to make Sue a better person. The friend arrived as soon as she could in the morning to remind Sue of all the tasks she needed to do that day, and all of the things left from the day before. In the kitchen at breakfast the friend would tell Sue all the things she should be feeding her kids. She had a criticism of almost every food Sue had in her fridge and pantry. The friend was really annoyed with Sue that she didn’t have a proper meal plan for the week. If Sue’s teen’s missed breakfast and weren’t organised for school, she would tell Sue that it was her fault because she was too soft on them and should have been more on top of taking their devices before bed last night. If Sue yelled at them, her friend told her that she was being too harsh. Sue’s friend would tell her she was a bad mum about 15 times before she even walked out of the door in the morning.
Her friend told Sue she should make more time for her teens. She said they don’t talk to her because she doesn’t make time to listen to them calmly. One day she even told Sue that her kids don’t like her. Her friend’s overall assessment was that Sue was grumpy and moody and really questioned what was wrong with her (maybe hitting the peri phase?). Her friend told Sue that she stressed too much and should rest, but when she rested, she told Sue off because she should be more on top of life and should be working harder to help everyone reach their potential.
Sue’s friend was so mean…but she kept letting her friend come over every day.
Why didn’t Sue just tell her friend to get lost? She was not really good for Sue or her family. She put Sue under so much stress and certainly didn’t make her a better parent?
Sue’s friend was hard to get rid of though, because this friend was actually inside her head. This friend was not a real person she was Sue’s inner critic. (No, I am not saying Sue was crazy and having a psychotic breakdown she knew the voice was not real.)
When we read the constant criticism Sue was experiencing it was no wonder she was struggling with her emotions and ready to yell at any moment. Much of the stress of modern parenting is the internal criticism. Every mother I have ever had an honest conversation with has a mean inner critic like this. That little voice inside our heads that tells us we are doing things wrong and could be doing so much better. Maybe yours is quieter and easier to silence. Maybe yours is louder and more convincing. Many parents worry they are screwing up their kids and doing a bad job of parenting.
One key to changing your stress lies in changing your internal dialogue.
Think about what your mind is saying to you and choose to be compassionate toward yourself. Talk to yourself how you may comfort or encourage a friend. Allow yourself to rest when you need to. Say to yourself things like “of course you are tired given all you do”, “you can rest when you are tired”. When your teen has a moody moment, or has left yet another wet towel on the floor, take a few seconds to acknowledge internally how that feels and that it is hard. Those few seconds multiple times a day will begin to change how you feel as a parent and will take the pressure off just a little.
Research has shown that the effect of child difficulties on parent stress is moderated self compassion. Meaning self compassion is an antidote to parent stress no matter what your teen throws at you. If you can be kind and understanding towards yourself, you can reduce your stress and have greater control over how you choose to interact with your family.
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