Sibling Fighting
Many parents have a second child so their first can have a buddy growing up.
But in the teen years...many wonder whether it would have been more peaceful just to have one.
Whether it’s more subtle rejection (like closed doors)….
Or teasing, swearing and punching your brother every time they’re in the same room…
It's distressing to watch one of your children be hurt by the other.
You may have already tried punishments, consequences, playing the mediator and desperate pleas for them to get along... and had no long term change.
While demanding they "say sorry and make up" can feel like the right thing to do, there is another approach that builds real connection between siblings rather than fake or momentary compliance.
But before we get to the approach, we need to reframe the situation.
The conflict between your kids...
while uncomfortable to witness inside the home...
it's also an opportunity for important life learning.
And because it's happening at home, you get to be involved in the teaching.
The ability for your teen to resolve conflict well is an important lifelong skill that will support them in the workplace, in romantic relationships and their social life.
Looking at it through an even bigger lens, this generation’s ability to tolerate and resolve conflict well will also determine our future world.
🤷 who knows....maybe your teen will be a world leader involved in resolving conflicts between nations.
Your home and your family is the training ground for your teens to learn vital conflict resolution skills under your guidance and supervision.
Okay so how do we do this?
First, you don’t play mediator or instructor anymore…
You also don’t just leave them be and let them fight it out.
You scaffold their learning through conversations with each of your children.
It’s important you don’t just talk to the one who was “mean”. There’s learning to be had on all sides of the conflict line.
One of your children may need to learn to protect their sense of self when they are picked on and teased, so that the words and judgement of others doesn't determine their value as a person or their mental health.
One of your children may need to learn how to manage their stress differently and not take it out on others. Or they may need to learn to find agency without using power and control over others.
The conversations you need to have with each of your children are not investigations or interrogations where you play the judge.
You want to ask each of your teens curious questions so they can reflect on the conflict...
...identifiy what’s the real cause of the conflict, teasing or icing them out....
... and what they can do to resolve that conflict or cope.
There is literally no one size all answer to why one sibling is mean to another. The answers and the solutions for both sides are found inside coaching conversations with your teen.
Depending on the level of aggression between siblings you may need some ground rules, consequences and physical boundaries to keep family members safe while you work through these conversations.
But if you rely solely on the ground rules and don’t have the conversations you are missing the opportunity to teach your teen how to resolve their difficulties another way.
Here to help.
Want my help with sibling conflict between teens? You can join my Calm Connection Program here.​
This Parent Thinking Space Article came out of a question asked by one of the parents who subscribes to this resource. If you have something you would like me to write about, send me an email, would love to help.
