How to get your teen to help out without the nagging and complaining

You walk in the front door and see…

the dirty dishes are left on the bench…again…

You’re tired.

Sometimes it just feels easier to do it yourself than face the complaining or meltdown over asking your child to pack the dishwasher.

So… you do it yourself.

And then you realise a cup has been left out.

You do that to.

And you trip over the shoes at the front door and feel the frustration rising…

… but not the energy for the battle.

You sigh in defeat and try to let it go.

But you feel tired.

And your mind is already so full you suspect that an important email has likely been missed.

The stress is too much.

You look around and everyone else in the house is relaxing on a device and that’s it.

“Right. Everyone come here! I need you all to help out! I’ve had enough of being the only one who does anything around here.”

You start barking orders as your family gets annoyed.

They seem unable to do simple tasks without you standing right next to them telling them step by step what to do.

The cups in the bedroom.

The towels on the floor.

The dirty dishes in the sink.

The bags and shoes at the front door.

You don’t ask for much.

But asking them to clean up their mess can feel more draining than it’s worth.

You just want them to help you out a bit.

It’s not too much to ask.

The conflict that keeps happening over these simple things over time can erode family relationships.

So, it’s important to find a real solution that’s not you doing everything all of the time and burning out while they under-function for the rest of their lives.

So how do we get out of the request, conflict, nagging cycles?

Changing these cycles doesn’t start where you might think.

Written routines and agreements, or laying down the rules, punishments and consequences isn’t the place to start.

The first thing to do is reflect on the stress you and your family are under.

Is your family tired, busy, overwhelmed at times by demands of life?

Okay.

Take a breath for you and for them.

The day to day of life can be exhausting at times for us and for them.

Let go of the blaming, the worries they are lazy, entitled and will never be successful in life.

Let go of the thoughts and worries that no one is ever there to help you.

This is a dishwasher that needs packing not a life test of you or them.

Make the decision now to not over-function and always do everything because when we do that, we get exhausted, and it doesn't help us or then.

It’s not their fault when we make the decision to do everything and then crack it because we have done too much.

Look for ways for you to get your need for relaxation and rest met…

We can get caught up in thinking that we will be relaxed and able to rest once everything is clean and tidy… but when we approach parenting from a place of exhaustion it often ends in conflict.

Once you are calm, and they are calm, approach the conversation about tidying up calmly.

Allow space for your teen to share their difficulties and points of resistance without getting upset with them. Listen with empathy and compassion while holding the boundary that these difficulties need to be thought through and resolved.

Let your teen have a say in when and how they contribute to the household. Let them have a say in the consequences if they don’t.

Consider together your individual children’s challenges. If your child has ADHD expect that change will be harder and follow through more difficult. Encourage your teen to establish a routine so that they are doing the tasks at a similar time each day it will help them remember and help you to know when they plan to get it done.

After all of this see how it goes. Be realistic in your expectations. They’re learning and it’s likely they may not be great at sticking to their own plans.

If they struggle again with their chores then listen to them from a place of resource rather than defensive frustration.

In the same way that you would like someone to see and empathise with you when you feel exhausted and don’t want to clean up, sometimes just listening and empathising helps them to keep going and getting it done.