How to get teens off devices, why limit setting is not the whole answer

“Setting limits”... the first piece of advice about devices that everyone tells parents to do…

But secretly dreaded words for parents of teens.

Dread because last night limits were forgotten due to late work meetings.

Dread because you’re not sure you have the energy for another night of yelling from your teen when you remind them about the device rules.  

If I have to hear another person say:

You’ll never get your teen to be responsible on their devices unless you set limits.

You’ll never get them off snapchat so give them a nokia flip phone.

You’ll never have them going to bed on time unless you turn off the wifi.

Like, stop setting parents and kids up to fail. Okay!

Because everyone who’s going on and on about setting limits is missing the most important thing parents need to do.

Your lack of limit setting is not why your teen is constantly looking at their phone. 

Your inability to turn off the wifi is not why they won’t leave their phones in the kitchen at night.

Your inconsistent limit setting is not why they yell at you every time you ask them to get off their phone.

Your limit setting is part of your approach to protecting teens from addiction and sleep problems, but it’s only part of the puzzle for how to get them to cope with a world with iphones, ipads, laptops, snaps, scrolls, Instas and gaming.

Limit setting isn’t going to get your teen to hand over their device and go to bed on time without complaining.

Limit setting isn’t going to help them navigate their emotions when social media takes them on the popularity roller coaster.

Limit setting isn’t going to help your teen’s anger, frustration and yelling when they lose the game they’re playing online. 

It doesn’t work that way.

And for a lot of families, limit setting leads to arguments and “f bombs” rather than compliance and maturity (and in some cases police visits).

Because parent imposed limit setting without effective teaching and learning about devices does not give your teen the skills they need to navigate device use healthily. 

And let’s get real, limit setting hasn’t worked so far, so let’s just ignore this piece of advice for a minute, shall we?

It’s not about setting limits and taking devices. It’s about teaching our teens how to use these devices responsibly. 

It’s about using teaching methods that work with teens to help them to change their behaviours themselves (hint, lectures and fact sheets are not the answer either).

It’s about knowing how to talk to teens in a way that helps them really reflect on their own behaviours and make good decisions…even when you’re not watching.

Here’s how.

First you can’t teach what you haven’t learned. 

You need to work on your own device use to learn the skills they need and how to teach them…(hmmm I wonder…Where’s your phone while you sleep?) 

Second you need a way to teach them that doesn’t end in eye rolls and arguments…we do this with coaching conversations not lectures.

Third, encourage them to set and agree to reasonable self imposed limits.

Finally, if your kid can’t set their own limits yet then set the limit for them and go back to step one.

Yes, limit setting is important, but only in a bigger process. 

And guess what?

They start to put their devices out of the rooms and go to sleep on time on their own. 

Because they don’t want a bad, sad, addicted to tech life.

Limit setting is one piece of your protecting kids from devices ruining their lives pie, but it’s not the whole pie.

Limit setting doesn’t automatically create a responsible online teen nor does it mean your limit setting now will lead to your teen being able to turn off their device and go to sleep as when they are 22. 

Limit setting isn't your answer to having a teen who gets off their device and goes to bed on time. So you can wave goodbye to the guilt it once filled you with.

Learning how to teach them to change their own behaviour through coaching conversations is how parents can really help their teens with the online world they live in. 

If you want help learning how to do this you can access my Teens and Screens Parent training here.