Are we "cotton wooling" our teens?

You can see your teen needs a break, so you don’t make them unpack the dishwasher.

Your teen is sullen at the dinner table, but you don’t force them to smile or be polite.

Your teen huffs as they walk away, and you let it go.

You’re trying to be understanding of their difficulties… but sometimes you worry that maybe your teen may need a bit more accountability.

Your partner says you are being “too soft”, but you worry he’s too hard on them.

Who’s right?

Are you right for being the understanding warm one?

Or is your parenting partner right being the disciplinarian with more demands?

The answer…

Neither of you are “right.”

Research over the past 50 years shows us…

Too much warmth and permissiveness…doesn’t work.

Too many punishments and demands also doesn’t work.

The research consistently shows that a balance of warmth and control is the ideal way to parent.

But how do we work out when to show warmth and understanding and give them a break, and when do we hold the line and demand they step up in their behaviour?

Weren’t we all taught that we should be consistent as parents?

There’s maybe a part of you that is feeling a little guilty about being inconsistent.

I am here to let you off the hook.

Consistency is not the most important principle in parenting.

Understanding and being responsive is.

I can hear you saying okay but how do we do this, and also get them to treat others with respect, do the hard things and take on challenges in life.

To help you understand I’m going to give you a metaphor from nature.

Now I am not a gardener at all...seriously the only plants I keep alive are the ones that require no attention and very little water.

But even the most inexperienced gardener knows that different plants at different times need different treatment from their owners.  

In some seasons plants need care and protection from the elements and bugs and insects.

Other seasons some plants require pruning.

Plants need feeding and watering.

But water too much at the wrong time or prune at the wrong time and your plant won’t thrive.

Plant care is not about being consistent and doing the same thing every day all of the time.

In the same way, parenting is about being responsive to the needs of the child given the type of kid they are (with their own unique strengths and difficulties), and their environmental demands.

What does this look like practically?

You need to tune into your teenager to be able to have some sense of what is happening in their lives to help them navigate the challenges they face.

Sometimes they need demands reduced so that they can cope with what is already on their plate.

Other times they need to be pushed to step up and grow stronger.

As their parent you are perfectly positioned to know them and help them grow.

Spend the time getting to know them and their lives.

Be curious and not judgemental.

Listen and see what they tell you.

And if you’re in a battle with your parenting partner over whether to go easy on your teen or push them and go harder… come together and remember there is a need for both these approaches at the right time.  Start to discuss what season your kid is in and what they need right now.

Want some help with understanding your teen consider joining the waitlist for the Calm Connection Program. More details here www.kirstinbarchia.com.au/calmconnection