How to get teens to be polite to family this Christmas.

Christmas is almost here.

The tree’s up, the meals are planned, the presents are under the tree...

(well mine aren't wrapped yet, but you might be more organised than I am).

Everything is almost perfect…except for the moody teen sitting across you at the dinner table. 

You start to worry about them at the family Christmas celebration… 

…staring silently,

…clearly bored,

…and wanting to leave the room.

You worry that everyone will see how rude they are.

You wonder how this happened?

When you were a teen you talked to adults and gave the elderly time and smiles and politely engaged in conversation.

You're thinking maybe this generation is just self centered and don't care about anyone but themselves.

How did it come to this?

You think maybe you didn't teach them well enough.

Maybe you should talk to them and tell them what to say and do before people come over?

Maybe it's all the phones and screens they don't know how to have a conversation anymore?

You go into pre planning mode…

Should I tell them off in front of everyone?...

but that might be more embarrassing...

or make them more rude to me at the table.

Maybe if I give them a job it won't look so awkward.

But last time you did that your teen cleared the table and....

..... then mysteriously disappeared.

In all the crisis management, your phone sends you a photo trip down memory lane, when your teen was a kid and sadness sets in.

Where did your sweet kid go?

The kid that used to be excited to see his grandma and tell her everything.

How do we bring that closeness back?

How do we get our teens to interact with people that aren't their best friends???

You can get the closeness back.

It comes not from fake conversation prompts but from understanding what is causing your teen to be rude, withdraw or be more silent at the dinner table.

So, I can almost hear you running to their bedroom door with ideas you have about why your teen is so rude and how you are going to tell them to stop it and be more polite.

You’re guessing it’s the phones and screens, entitlement, self-centredness, laziness...

and you are ready to take their phone, tell them to think of someone else for once and be polite when people come over.

But spoiler alert, if you go and do that then you won’t get real connection from your teen (and they may not be polite).

The key to getting real genuine connected interactions from your teen at Christmas (and at the dinner table tonight) is to ask them why they are silent, upset or don’t want to stay at the table AND…

Really listen to their answer. 

There are many reasons why teens are silent and look rude in front of others.

These reasons can vary from I don’t know what to say, I'm tired, I'm anxious…all the way to… my boyfriend broke up with me and I am so sad I don't know how to pretend to be happy right now.

If we know what they are really thinking, we know why they are really finding it hard to engage politely.

Then it’s easier to know how to help them.

You need to start by talking to them with curiosity about what they are feeling about family gatherings.

It’s hard to socialise when we don’t know what to say and have nothing in common.

It’s hard to hold a conversation when we’re anxious, stressed, worried or feeling down.

It’s hard to spend time doing things for others when we would prefer to be having fun with friends.

These are things our teens need to learn to do.

And they need to know that they may appear rude to others at times without meaning to.

But the way to help them reconnect with the family again is by understanding them and talking to them.

So, this year, maybe instead of going into crisis management, you can go into it with a calm connection with your teen.

Here to help.

If you want more help with how to understand and connect again with your teen you can watch the Calm Connection Workshop here now.

It’s less than an hour of your time to start to improve your family relationships this Christmas.